Things I've learned

I just spent a couple hours going back and reading some of the blog entries from before Billy left. I laughed and I cried, but mostly I am just so thankful that I’ve had this medium as a way to share and record this amazingly crazy experience. I found a few things about myself in this process. I realized that some things I thought I knew were false and some things I thought I’d learn, I’m still trying to figure out. For example, I thought I’d learn quickly what it would be like to not have Billy around. Logistically it hasn’t been horrible. I’ve been completely capable of dealing with the kids and getting everyone the things they’ve needed. But I still haven’t learned how not to have Billy here just as my friend. We’ve always been such great friends and we love to make each other laugh. But not having that here in a tangible form, I’m still trying to deal with. I can tell he tried to give me some good stories to laugh at in his letters and Lord knows I tried to make my letters as funny as possible. I think that the last couple of weeks though, I let my sad side show a bit too much for what he needed to hear. That one solid month where I had no contact with him at all was probably the worst month I’ve had in many many many years. I haven’t shared all my dark and secret worries with you all only because it didn’t seem to help. But it was incredibly hard. It was simply just hard to breathe sometimes.


But this basic training has been the most educational experience of my life. I have been taught faith – why do I worry when God has in under control? I have been taught strength – calming my young daughter down when she has a total meltdown the day before her birthday because her daddy isn’t here to share it with her. I have been taught patience – “no news is good news” is probably the most irritating phrase in the military language and whoever came up with it needs to understand that it might be true but it doesn’t exactly take the pain out of my heart or worry out of my mind. I have been taught real joy – hearing that Billy has done so well and that all our prayers were being answered is a blessing that I can only give thanks to God for. I have been taught real love – I don’t think I can explain how much my love for him has grown. I have been taught that the Army will and has to come first – this is a hard thing to digest, but I understand it (or I think I do anyway). And probably most importantly, I have learned what it feels like to sacrifice – I have seen what kind of sacrifice Billy has had to make and it makes me so proud to call him my husband. And in order for him to do his job which includes these sacrifices, I must be able to sacrifice my own wants and needs in order for him to be able to do this job. Nobody said it would be easy or fun. It is what it is. But in no way, do I regret standing behind him in this decision. So proud to be called an official Army wife now!! HOOAH!!!