Quiet. Be Still.

So, I've started and erased this blog entry seven times. I've been at a loss for words like I've never been before. When things do not make sense to me, how am I supposed to talk about them? But maybe this time, I'll make it through this post without getting overwhelmed and finally post it.

My friend Dawn died on August 27th. She was diagnosed with cancer on April 1 and died such a short time later. I kept thinking I'd have more time with her, or that she'd win the battle, or that at the very least I could get back to TN to spend the last few months with her. But that's what I get for thinking. Life just ends. No real warning. Ends. One minute she is there talking and laughing and the next she is sick and the next she is gone.

How do you even begin to wrap your head around such confusion? That's what it has been for me. Just completely confusing. I don't still have the words to say. I just can't place them.

Hurt. Lost. Confused. These words touch how it feels, but nothing captures the true feeling.

I met Dawn in 1995 during our freshman year at MTSU. I wish I remembered our first meeting or our first conversation... but I don't. I just remember knowing she was awesome and we became great friends. And we remained friends for the past 18 years. There were a few years where we lost contact, but eventually it seemed we were supposed to be back in the same circle and God brought us back together. For years.... there wasn't a week that went by that we didn't speak at least once. Honestly, there were weeks that a day wouldn't go by without talking at least ten times. I looked up to her. She had to job I wanted. It was because of her that I went back to school to get my degree and am back in school now. She always knew the right thing to say. She never held grudges. She loved everyone no matter who they were or what they did. She had a faith stronger than I'll probably ever have.

I feel like there is a million other things I want to say. And questions I want to ask.  How are we going to get past not having her around? She was the center of our little group we liked to call the Angels. Fitting, right? There are (were) four of us. The women that I've known through the best of times and worst of times. Even though we were always in different life stages, we always managed to have something to talk about. We were just that close. I could tell these girls anything. So to lose a huge part of that circle just makes it seem surreal.

I just don't know. To think about her - just gone - I feel like I've been kicked in the ribs and can't breathe. Not a day has passed that I've not thought about her, cried over her, seen something that reminds me of her. I know she is better now that she is not sick. But it just doesn't make sense.

Getting to Fort Campbell was such a priority. I thought I'd be able to get back to TN and be a couple hours away from her. But now that the expediency of the moment is gone, I feel a bit lost. I want to move, but I don't. I want to get there, but I don't want to leave here. It's all very confusing.

The morning she died I had just dropped William off at his first day of kindergarten. I was sad and weepy from that. So, when Gap Girl called to say Dawn had been put into the hospital, I felt a rush of anxiety flow through me. I knew! I knew I had to get home as soon as possible. I need to get to TN to see her and hug her and tell her I loved her. So, I'm freaking out. Doing that nervous cleaning I do. I dust the table where my bible sits next to the couch and decided to open it up. I highlighted the story of the woman in the crown who had been bleeding for 12 years. She reached out and touched the hem of Jesus' robe and through her faith was healed. I then receive another phone call. Dawn has been put into hospice. OK... that was it. I started making plans to getting the kids out of school and trying to think of if I even had money to get back to TN... when three words literally leapt off the page of the bible and I started as if I'd heard the words out loud. "Quiet. Be Still" So, I sat down. Confused, but trying to calm down, I just sat there and said "Ok, God. I'll stop freaking out." Within an hour she was gone. I know that was God telling me to let him handle it. And the most peace I have from all of this is that He was with her when she passed. He was telling me that there was nothing I needed to do. That there was nothing I needed to say. That all would be understood one day and to have faith in knowing He is in control.
Dawn knew this, too. On the day she found out her tumor had tripled in size, she told me that she may not ever understand why she got sick. But one day we would, and when that day came, we should celebrate it. Braver words have never been spoken.

I miss her. But she will always be a part of who I am.

The Angels

 

Apologies

I go back and read what I wrote last time... I realize I sounded selfish and possibly even hateful. But I guess it had to be said and that's that. What I said was a long time brewing and I guess after a night of less than 3 hours of sleep, I snapped. There's a little picture floating around the internet and it says, "Forget sleeping like a baby... I want to sleep like a husband."

So... moving on.

I spent the better half of Friday putting together and organizing Billy's "love me" book. What is a love me book? Well, it is basically everything that  the Army has ever given Billy in the form of paper. All his orders, his pt score cards, forms and more forms, training certificates, awards, receipts, medical slips... etc. It's a great thing to have on hand when you're about to be transferring posts. And just imagine if you will... a 3 ring binder - 3 inches wide... full from top to bottom and probably weighs about 10 pounds. That's Billy's love me book. The main reason I'm trying to get this together is that his ERB (enlisted record brief) is all kinds of jacked up. It says he never went to college, never had any army training, and basically everything that is supposed to be on there ... isn't. I'm pretty sure that it is up to his chain of command to turn all these forms in to the appropriate department to have this document updated regularly... but well... I laugh in the face of that without even being able to finish saying it. Long story short... he's got to get that crap fixed and before we leave. If he wants to have any chance of getting promoted to E5 he's got to have all this stuff straight so that his points will all be counted. (points = promotion)

Speaking of promotion... I have one more little bit to fuss about. See, Billy was on top of the list to head out to WLC (warrior leadership course) which should help him get his promotable status quicker. BUT... someone decided to flip out. And by someone, I mean the most pointless person in his unit. She is never there... never works when she is there... always messes up something that requires a major cleanup when she does work... and then never has to clean up because she always has to leave early for some kind of bull crap. (don't get me started on why I think women with small children should not be active duty) Anyway... she gets wind that Billy is on the top of the list and throws a fit and basically goes over everyone's heads and complains to the commander. Everyone agrees that she is not E5 material, but because she has had more time (like 40 days) in the army than Billy, she got him booted off the list completely. So, where we thought he'd have his promotable status coming into Campbell... that will likely not happen now. It was yet another blow to the gut. It's just not his time here I guess.

So... moving on.


Anyway. I'm supposed to be doing Statistics homework. So, bye then.

I am one person (caution: major rant)

Sometimes I just feel like I'm being pulled in 1000 different directions. A lot of it I put on myself by not telling people NO, but then some of it is just the nature of how things are right now. I never and I mean NEVER just get to do what I want to do without having to hide from anyone or explain to anyone or to make anyone upset. I was supposed to get a week's break from my kids this summer while I got to sit at home in a quiet house and do nothing for 7 straight days, but then mom got sick and I ended up having to go take care of her. (I'm not complaining... just stating that it isn't in the cards for me to ever have alone time) Sometimes I just want to sit on my couch and watch 12 hours of meaningless TV for no reason at all. I don't want to make anyone a meal or cup of milk. I don't want to take the dogs out to go to crap in the yard. I don't want to have to talk to someone about their day when no one ever asks me how my day was. And sometimes I just don't want to sit on the porch and watch other people smoke while their children tear apart my house. (ok... that's a bit harsh but slightly true). I want to be able to go the grocery and buy my nasty little diet hot pockets and have them in the freezer for me and me only and not fight with my kids about eating one every friggin day! They're MINE! I shouldn't have to share everything - like my quiet time in the bathroom or my bottle of water or my computer. My kids (and by kids I mean Allison who is surging with unfamiliar hormones right now.... ugh) think I'm never there for them when I go and sit on the neighbors' porches and talk even though they are right there with me playing and fighting with the other kids. And then if I don't go hang out with the neighbors they start to think I'm getting all Glitter Mama, Soccer Mom, or Luck Lady on them. (three neighbors who used to come around a lot and then one day just stopped). I should never complain about this because I haven't had this kind of friendship since college almost 20 years ago and I wouldn't trade it for a million bucks - which I could really use right now since payday was yesterday and we are down to $11 in the bank. Do not join the Army for the money.

I don't even get to sleep in - and by sleep in I mean not being woke up at 4:20 in the morning by my husband who wants to talk about whatever before he goes to PT. Just let me SLEEP! I don't even get to sleep when I am asleep because I have to wake up in the middle of the night to take the damn puppy out or he'll pee all over his kennel. And when he does make a mess, even though there are four other capable people in this house, I'm the one who has to friggin clean up after the little pissy crapper. I give my kids chores so that they'll become productive human beings, and so I don't feel like I'm going to snap from cleaning up after every single person who just feels like leaving their junk all over the house... but then I spend more energy reminding and reminding and reminding and when they finally do it, I spend even more energy trying to make sure they do it right the first time so I don't have to spend EVEN MORE energy yelling at them to come DO IT AGAIN! So... ok... house is clean... kids are "in bed," husband is asleep... dogs have pooped, dishes are done, floor is vacuumed, and I finally get some time alone. What do I get to do in my spare time???? FRIGGIN HOURS of FRIGGIN stats homework, which by the way is the hardest thing I've ever done in my FRIGGIN life! So when I finally get to go to bed at 1 in the morning, I get to sleep MAYBE 3 hours before the alarm goes off and husband wants to talk. And if I don't talk, I'm the bad guy because he is never ever ever home and I never ever ever get to talk to him and he just wants some damn attention every once in a while. He wants attention. I want sleep.

 I am one person. With two arms and two legs... so how is it I'm being stretched in fourteen different directions? This is what happens to people before they end up on the show "Snapped."

OK... rant over. I put in our housing application for Fort Campbell. The sgt, who is trying to get Billy early report date worked out, sent him a message four days ago that she would call him with info and never did. At this point, I just want to be there before Christmas. That's four months away.

Home Again Home Again... Jiggety Pig

Ok... we spent four whole weeks in Kentucky. Mom was doing well when we left, but I think she will be lonely and oh so bored. She won't be able to drive until this coming week, so I hope her peeps back there are helping her out.

But I'm back. And I never quite got to share our experiences at Fort Campbell. First of all, the drive was super easy from mom's house to post. That was an awesome plus! No major interstates - just all simple county roads. It was very beautiful. But we got to meet up with my buddy who I met online, who is in the same boat as me (new to the army) and her husband is stationed at Fort Campbell. It is kinda cool. So, we had some coffee and talked about Jane Austen movies - that's why I love her so much - and then me and the kids took off to post.

Fort Campbell was nice - a lot smaller than Bragg and a LOT easier to figure out the streets... hardly any one-way streets. But we managed to drive through every single neighborhood that we would possibly get into and by the end of the day, I realize it won't matter where we live... really. If we end up in a shack with three and a half walls, then that's fine. I can't stress about it. I'll put my application in (more details on that coming up) and request a garage and a fence - and then just hope for the best. Billy on the other hand is not so sure about Fort Campbell housing. It seems as though he has become spoiled to the housing here on Bragg - which is sooooo much nicer. Well, I say that... Campbell does have really nice housing. For E6's and above. If you are a lower enlisted, they basically say "No Soup for YOU!" and that's the end of it. But the lady at the housing office said I could go ahead and put in my application now (even without orders) and at least get in position. The required documents won't be there, but it'll be an open application and that's what matters.

So, now I'm like ready to go tomorrow. I just want to get this over with. I don't like not knowing what is going on. As if you didn't already know that. Billy is talking with one of his old sgts that moved on to Battalion and she is trying to get his request for an early report date. But from the looks of it, it is still going to be around December at the earliest. That's OK with me I guess... that is only four months away. I can get my bucket list of things I want to see and do in NC done in this four months. Well, maybe. If I have any money in the world. I want to drive out to the Outerbanks, to Myrtle Beach, and the Biltmore. Three major road trips in four months. Bleh. Yeah, I don't know how feasible this really is. I have other things on my bucket list as well.... like clean out the garage. But I just got home. I need a week to be unproductive before I can start any major projects.

Speaking of projects.... I am in my second week of Applied Business Research and Statistics. ERMAHGERD! It is 100% Greek. Like literally. The symbols for the formulas look like ancient hieroglyphics.

Order of the Bullspit

Ok.... prepare yourself for a major vent session about this thing called Army politics. OMG! So, I think I mentioned how Billy just really hates his job. I lied. He really loves WHAT he does, just not the people he works with. Now for the record, I'm not there at Billy's job nor do I know everything that goes on. I only get the snippets that he shares with me which may be enough or may be tainted with bias. I don't know. All I know is that Billy is PISSED and OMG we need to get away from there before he has some sort of heart malfunction due to stress. Which is ironic because the reason he is so mad is over a doctor's appointment. The office made the appointment for him. He did not request the time of day. It was given to him. It just so happened to be during PT which really upset his Sgt. A woman we shall call Umbridge. (this is not her real name, nor does she favor the Umbridge in terms of looks... but certainly in attitude and character). OK... so Sgt Umbridge tells Billy he has to come in and do PT before he goes to his appointment. Error Number 1 - Billy should have just gone, BUT he decided to make a fuss and pissed off the wrong people. His complaint was that he would not be able to make it to his appointment on time and would then get in trouble for being late or missing an appoinment. So, he tells his squad leader who then tells him to go straight to the appointment and not worry about PT. Fine. Done. That was two weeks ago. Well....... Umbridge pulls Billy aside today and tells him that he missed an appointment which is a HUGE big no-no, and unless he can prove that he was there he will get a counseling statement. What the crap? So, fine. He goes to the clinic and asks for some sort of documentation that he was at the appointment to which he is told they do not give such documentation. Error Number 2 - he didn't demand something or explain why he needed it. So, he goes back empty handed and Umbridge decides that Billy is lying and said he went to the appointment when she thinks he didn't. "I must not tell lies" tattooed into the hand - can you see it? Yeah.... Ok so Umbridge tells the squad leader to write out a counseling statement saying Billy missed an appointment. He refused. Good old Neville trying to stick up for his friend. So, then comes Error Number 3 - Dumbledore (the commander for all intensive purposes) sees Billy all upset and asks him what was bothering him to which Billy responds "Nothing, sir... I don't want to talk about it." COME ON! He was the one person who could have saved his neck and pleaded a good case up against the ministry, but Harry... I mean Billy... didn't want to bother him with his problems. So, Umbridge meanwhile tells good old Neville that if he doesn't write up this counseling statement he is being insubordinate and could get a demotion. OMG. So, Neville does it. He brings the statement to Billy to sign and apologizes for not being able to stop the insanity. But Billy is so upset at this point that he refuses to read it or sign it or take a copy of it. [update: absolutely nothing happened with this by the way. He got another counseling statement the next week for his monthly review and there was nothing about this incident on there. It was almost like it never happened. I don't know if she figured out she should have just gone about it a different way or something else. I am just waiting for someone to pop out with some truth serum].

Speaking of Campbell, he is trying to get another Sgt  - one that is actually very nice and helpful  - to help him get his early report date paperwork started so we can get out of Bragg as soon as possible.

Meanwhile I'm still here in Kentucky. It is day 18. I have to say that last week was wonderful. Yes, I was up and down taking care of mom at all hours, but it was quiet. And calm. And QUIET. Now, my kids are back. Which they spent 12 of these 18 days in Tennessee with their other grandmother. But they're back with me now and you just forget (how is it possible to forget) just how loud and messy they are! I missed my kids, but now I miss the clean and quiet house we had for all that time. And then to add insult to injury, we were supposed to leave and go home to my husband this weekend. BUT... my replacement care giver (we'll call her CAT) came by today to inform us that she was headed out to California for two weeks on a business trip. So...... looks like I'll be staying at least until the 31st for mom's last appointment. It just makes me so sad and I just miss Billy so much. Especially when I know he is so stressed and we are seriously broke as a joke. So he's stressed and broke. Not a good combination. Like we have a whole 8 days until we get paid and he literally has $12 to his name.

DO NOT JOIN THE ARMY FOR THE MONEY.


 

Chi

I have a super power. I have this incredible ability to say something and then have it appear within the next couple of days. It is freaky!!!!! But true... I wish I could explain. But I can't really. So I will just give you examples. 

Mom and I walking down the road, we are making silly conversation and I quote the movie "O brother where art thou." So later that night it was on tv, we turn it on and the line that I quoted was on at that moment. 

We watched a movie with Hugh Grant in it and I got to wondering where good old Hugh had gone. Mom mentions that his career took a dive after his indiscretion with the hooker. A couple days later in the book I am reading, the character discusses the episode of Leno where Hugh apologized for his actions. 

I made a reference about Ten Second Tom from the movie "50 first dates" and that movie comes on the next day. 

I cut my finger on a piece of ice in the freezer, got mad and said "you icehole." An hour later a guy on tv called another guy an icehole. 

We were talking about how Johnny Depp is such a weirdo and all the weird roles he has been in. I asked her if she had seen him in that vampire movie "dark shadow" and she hadn't. Neither have I. But we get to the doctor this morning and the magazine on the top of the pile was Johnny Depp in his vampire makeup from "dark shadows" back in May 2012. 

Yesterday I told my aunt to shut the door she was letting out all the bought air....movie quote from "Sweet Home Alabama"   -  it's on tv right now. 

Crazy???? 

My sister and I call this The Chi: The universal energy that flows through you and connects to the things of the world around you. 

I wish I had this ability when it came to anything Army related. In fact, it is usually the opposite. Anything related to Billy's job that I say outloud almost always turns out completely opposite. 

Ouch!

Ever hit your head so hard it knocks you silly for a minute? Well, that is what just happened to me. I'm having a Doc Brown moment when he discovers the flux capacitor. I feel like screaming "1.21 gigawatts" out the front door at the top of my lungs. But not because I've had some major epiphany but rather just a monumental pump knot on the top of my head. Long story... but I was cleaning out mom's fridge and didn't gauge my clearance to the freezer door and just whacked the $^$#$%@#$ out of myself. Heck, who knows.... maybe I will have some serious mental breakthrough and start writing my incredibly amazing novel that I've been contemplating writing for the past 25 years. It is going to happen... one day. It. Will. Happen.

So, yeah... Billy is not liking me being away from home so long. (I've been gone since July 4 - 15 days). When I left, I told him that this was my deployment. I had to leave on a mission to take care of my mother. I've been called to duty! I can't help it, and I'm not sure how long it will be before I will get to go back. Imagine if you will... not being able to move your hand above the height of your shoulders. Or pick something up weighing more than a paperback book. Or not being able to extend your arms to your sides. Or lay flat. Or pour your self a drink. Or stand up in the shower. Bleh! She can walk and talk and eat and go to the bathroom - all just fine. What she cannot do is anything else. For four weeks. Her surgery was July 10. That means she can't do anything until August 7th. Anyway. back to the point... Billy is getting a real taste of what it feels like when the spouse leaves on a mission for weeks at a time. It sucks! He HATES it. I get it! I have been there... you guys were there with me when he left me for basic and AIT and how things went dark and darker while he was gone. He would tell me just to try and find things to stay busy and blah blah blah. I remember getting so mad at him. Like it's so easy to find something to do. But now I get it. He is bored and lonely and just wants us to come home. "I'm trying honey... but it isn't something we can rush" Hopefully, (and I don't mean this to sound vindictive) but hopefully he will get a taste and it will be enough for him to really understand how much it sucks to be left alone for so long. And trust me... he doesn't even have the kids to deal with. He's got it made - from my perspective. Do you know how much I would pay just to be able to stay home alone for 20 something days without anyone to talk to or cook for or drive somewhere or clean up after???? He's living my dream, really. A short term stay-cation. Alone. In silence. OOOHHH the list of things I could do!!! But that's neither here nor there... I'm not ever going to get such a thing and I would never wish my time away from my family unless it was necessary.... and this is certainly a necessary mission.

I love writing again. My head is throbbing and I'm seeing spots... but HEY, I'm writing - two days in a row!! It's a concussive miracle!!!

Jar of Hearts

So, I'm sitting here with my mother in KY. My kids are spread out all over TN. Billy is home in NC.

Mom just had double bypass surgery and so she needed someone to just help her function for the few weeks after. I felt it was the least I could do after all she's ever done for me. It is weird all the blackburns being separated like we are. I don't think any one is having a good time with the situation. Especially billy who is home all alone. Poor guy. But the girls have been with Billy's mother and William went to stay with Billy's dad. It is really weird. Did I say that already?

So what is going on? Well, lots of stuff. We are awaiting orders for fort campbell and hopefully will have them sooner than later. I plan on driving out there while I'm here in ky to drive around and figure out if I will love it or not. Eh... I know that's not so easy to figure out from driving around. But it is a start. I'm seriously ready to move back closer to home. Mom dealing with this surgery, my friend dawn being diagnosed with cancer - those are the big reasons. Plus billy hates his job at Bragg. They just aren't a great company to work for and we are seriously praying to get the heck out of dodge before they try and pull the rug out from under us. I can't imagine it will be all sunshine and rainbows here at campbell, but anything is better than where he is at now.

I'm not sure i will be so ready to go when it is time to say goodbye to my darden street family. These girls have been my true support system, my mentors, my laughers, and my sisters. One day I will sit down and write out my story of each girl. I always have a hard time writing about people really close to me that I know will read my blog one day. Even though I would never publish anything bad about them, I just feel like I could either be overly sensitive about what I say and say something too good and seem fake or under sensitive  and say something they would hate....lol. It's a mess.

Wanna hear a funny story? William ate styrofoam and we ended up having to go to the ER because they were afraid it was stuck in his windpipe. And no it's not like we could just pack up and go to the er up the road, they had to send us by ambulance to the children's hospital an hour away. That was a fun night! I bet you're like How is that funny? Well it was hilarious because only my child would get choked on a colored piece of styrofuoam. Kids are supposed to put peas or rocks up their noses. My kids inhales styrofoam.

Anyway I just felt the need to write tonight.
I've got an idea for a book, and maybe I just needed to see if I still had any bit of interesting things to say at all. I just don't know. I still think in blog mode all the time and I constantly crack myself up. But that isn't sayin much.

Trying to clear my head, vacation, and avoiding homework

Hello!

So, I'm writing this post as a means to clear my head in order to write a paper on regression analysis of which I could care less. I'm just not in a mood to analyze anything, much less regressively. hence, a new post in my very abandoned blog. I suppose I can write about our recent vacation.

Vacation! it was lovely! Truly Lovely! We spent six wonderful days in Florida and two days on the road between there and home. We got to stay in a family members condo out by Clearwater beach and we had the brilliant idea to go during Spring Break. Someone must have sent out that memo because everyone else in the world had that same wonderfully brilliant idea. Sigh... despite not being able to breathe due to the crowds, we enjoyed ourselves very much. The ocean was still in the mood for winter glory and was beyond freezing. We'd let the kids play in it for about 30 minutes and when their lips started turning blue, we had to pull them out - kicking, screaming and trembling uncontrollably. But the sand was neat to play in and a nice alternative to frost bite. The sun was warm and breeze was cool.... there were quite a few moments that I literally felt my body relax for the first time in months. That was worth it right there.
During our trip we also went to see Sea World. What a fun amazing day that was! We were there 30 minutes before they opened and stayed 30 minutes after they closed. A whopping 14 hours. Not to mention we drove there (2 hours away) and back all in the same day. So from 5 am to 1 am the following morning we were doing the boot scootin boogie - All. Day. And if I heard the word Orca once, I heard it 1000 times. OMG! William was OBSESSED with seeing the whales... oh excuse me, orcas. He'd correct anyone he heard calling those big black and white giant sea creatures by the term whale. Heaven forbid!! He corrected me in the middle of a crowd of people, "Mom, I already told you they aren't whales, they are ORCAS!" Which created a chuckle from those around us. Man oh man, that child. My favorite moment was the Turtle trek where we watched this really cool 3D movie showing the day in the life of a sea turtle. I cried. I can't help but admit that one. I just loved it so much.
Other things to mention about our vacation include: how we ate practically free at Outback one night, we ate a ton of crap all week, we visited the turtle park which was totally cool, we did some shopping, and basically just enjoyed our time as a family. Note to self: next time we go, we will not go in April when the water is freezing and the crowds are crazy.

In other news, looks like Billy got semi-official orders to report to Fort Campbell in February. We've told our loved ones and such, but he told me today not to get too excited because it is months away and he still doesn't have papers. So, I'm of course already packing.

Special Specialists

So, Billy finally got his E4! About two weeks ago. It was very anti-climatic really. I mean, he was informed of this promotion via text message. And not even a personal "congrats" text, but a group text giving instructions on what to do the remainder of the week and at the very bottom was, "oh and Blackburn gets his Specialist on Friday." Like... really? Even the ceremony was non-ceremonial. I didn't even get to go. Oh well.

But now that he's got his promotion, he can start looking at re-enlistment options. So, he went up to retention, and they look at his Army transcripts and all that stuff and determine what he's able to do next. He really wanted to reclass (change jobs) because he's just so not loving his job right now. But that could mainly be because of where he's at. I don't know. Anyway, they gave him a list of options and we picked our favorite three. He goes into retention and they said, nope to all of them because they all involve going back to training and all the schools were unavailable. As of this moment, his one clear option is something neither of us really expected. And it will involve a move. But I'm not going to say where yet... not until we get the OK from Uncle Sam. I'm really not upset with it, but it isn't what I wanted. I really really really wanted to go to Germany. I know, I know... that's crazy. But he went in to retention the first time and they were all like "oh yes! Germany is a go!" So, I started looking at the whole Germany idea. The more I thought about it, the more I got excited! I really want my kids to be able to experience something like that. But low and behold, he goes back in to retention and they said, "oh no! Germany is a no-go!" Stupid people. That's why I'm not going to announce this possible move yet because if I do, it'll change. And I hate backtracking. It's a waste of time.

All that is just on the burner for now... what really has me all excited is our upcoming trip to FLORIDA!! We are leaving in 3.5 days!! I'm just soooo ready to get away from this crazy cold weather and get Billy away from his company for a while. I wish I was escaping school, but alas, I'm in the middle of a new class and will be taking my assignments with me. Fun. Fun. Fun. I'm taking a math class right now. Or really, an algebra class. You can just kill me now. sigh...

So... Billy's re-enlisting, probably when we get back from Florida. All the kids are doing well. Life is just peachy!

Book Club

So, yeah several months ago we started a book club. Me and two other ladies... Lady on the Corner and KT. We invited a few to join and a couple have, but the group has mainly consisted of four. We take turns picking a book and then have a month to read. The lady who picks the book has to host the monthly meeting where we sit around and discuss... It's been fun and even though we've started to fizzle out over the holidays... I think we're getting back on track with the new year. We've read everything from sappy romances, to questionable romances, to massive astroids wiping out the planet creating a new reign on cannibals, to southern women cooking, and even some crazy people stuck in a hotel for the winter. Oh yes, and we did read some vampire and ghost fiction as well. All good stuff.
Our newest book is a zombie thriller. Not my cup of tea, but I've committed and will therefore read it. Heck, I might even love it!! I'm trying to come up with a book for when it's my turn in a couple months. I always like to do a theme to my hosting. For example when we read Fried Green Tomatoes, I served fried green tomatoes. When we read Cannibal Reign, I helped prepare finger sandwiches. When we read The Shining, I made a rum cake - out of real rum and I'll never make another rum cake ever.

It Doesn't Have to Make Sense...

My husband joined the army almost two years ago. I forget the date exactly, but I remember it being super cold and snowy and January. Here we are two years later and I have to say, life has been..... well I don't even have a word for it. Does he love the Army? Well, it depends on what day you ask him. Things change constantly that there is no point in me going over all the details of all the things he was going to do and then didn't get to. Or the things he did that he didn't even know he was going to do. It's just been a ride. A big frantic ride.
But to catch you up a bit... about a month ago they started to asking for volunteers for a the "D" word. He asked me and I told I would support whatever decision he made. So, he volunteered. But then they denied him because... well we aren't really sure. But we think it's because he's been made the company's radiation officer and because he's the only one who really works like he's supposed to. He really wanted to go over there, and I know he was super disappointed. And to make matters worse, three of my girlfriend's husbands (whom we've all become very close with) are about to deploy in the next few months. Even Jonathan is getting to go - Billy's friend from his youth. I try and think about how it is just all part of God's plan and the timing just isn't right for him to go - if he ever gets to go at all. But that doesn't mean he doesn't feel low about it. Can you even believe I'm upset right along with him? I never wanted him to go in a million years. But I see how important it is for a soldier to do their part. To make the big contribution. Being home and playing in the gas chamber just doesn't feel like he's getting to be much of a soldier. Just feels like he's got a job and gets yelled at because he's still a private and privates get yelled at a lot. And don't even get me started on his promotion - or lack of. I could go into more detail and name names about people who he feels kinda screwed him out of getting a chance to do something worthwhile there in the Army, but it does no good to point fingers. Everything happens for a reason. One that we may not be able to see or understand, but one day it will all make sense.... because it sure doesn't make sense right now.

Moms know best

The gals on my street have become very important to me. I love them all and can't think of any way I'd have made it through this Army life if it weren't for them. We've certainly had our fun!! I feel like I'm back in college sometimes.
And now that we've all gotten to know each other so well, I thought it was time we start to grow with each other as well. Well, really my mother and Lady on the Corner's mom planted the seed and asked that we start living a more spirit filled life. So, we've started a bible study / devotional/ prayer group... not really sure how to label it yet. But we're starting this tomorrow. I'm Super Excited about it. I just don't know how to prepare for it. I feel as though there are a couple of us who could lead the group since we're probably more comfortable with that type of thing. So, I just pray we are able to create a place where the women on our street can come together and start to build each other up. Bring some positive words and ideas into our heads. Especially since so many of the husbands are going to be leaving us here alone, it is a good idea to have this support system. Not that we aren't already a support system, but have one with a higher guardian is much more effective and comforting.
Not only that, but we need to bring each other encouragement on how to raise our kids right. On how to be better wives. Better friends. Better women. I'm sure this is what I need for my own self, and I hope that by including these wonderful women on my journey, we can all bring something out of it.

I just pray we do.