Sometimes I just feel like I'm being pulled in 1000 different directions. A lot of it I put on myself by not telling people NO, but then some of it is just the nature of how things are right now. I never and I mean NEVER just get to do what I want to do without having to hide from anyone or explain to anyone or to make anyone upset. I was supposed to get a week's break from my kids this summer while I got to sit at home in a quiet house and do nothing for 7 straight days, but then mom got sick and I ended up having to go take care of her. (I'm not complaining... just stating that it isn't in the cards for me to ever have alone time) Sometimes I just want to sit on my couch and watch 12 hours of meaningless TV for no reason at all. I don't want to make anyone a meal or cup of milk. I don't want to take the dogs out to go to crap in the yard. I don't want to have to talk to someone about their day when no one ever asks me how my day was. And sometimes I just don't want to sit on the porch and watch other people smoke while their children tear apart my house. (ok... that's a bit harsh but slightly true). I want to be able to go the grocery and buy my nasty little diet hot pockets and have them in the freezer for me and me only and not fight with my kids about eating one every friggin day! They're MINE! I shouldn't have to share everything - like my quiet time in the bathroom or my bottle of water or my computer. My kids (and by kids I mean Allison who is surging with unfamiliar hormones right now.... ugh) think I'm never there for them when I go and sit on the neighbors' porches and talk even though they are right there with me playing and fighting with the other kids. And then if I don't go hang out with the neighbors they start to think I'm getting all Glitter Mama, Soccer Mom, or Luck Lady on them. (three neighbors who used to come around a lot and then one day just stopped). I should never complain about this because I haven't had this kind of friendship since college almost 20 years ago and I wouldn't trade it for a million bucks - which I could really use right now since payday was yesterday and we are down to $11 in the bank. Do not join the Army for the money.
I don't even get to sleep in - and by sleep in I mean not being woke up at 4:20 in the morning by my husband who wants to talk about whatever before he goes to PT. Just let me SLEEP! I don't even get to sleep when I am asleep because I have to wake up in the middle of the night to take the damn puppy out or he'll pee all over his kennel. And when he does make a mess, even though there are four other capable people in this house, I'm the one who has to friggin clean up after the little pissy crapper. I give my kids chores so that they'll become productive human beings, and so I don't feel like I'm going to snap from cleaning up after every single person who just feels like leaving their junk all over the house... but then I spend more energy reminding and reminding and reminding and when they finally do it, I spend even more energy trying to make sure they do it right the first time so I don't have to spend EVEN MORE energy yelling at them to come DO IT AGAIN! So... ok... house is clean... kids are "in bed," husband is asleep... dogs have pooped, dishes are done, floor is vacuumed, and I finally get some time alone. What do I get to do in my spare time???? FRIGGIN HOURS of FRIGGIN stats homework, which by the way is the hardest thing I've ever done in my FRIGGIN life! So when I finally get to go to bed at 1 in the morning, I get to sleep MAYBE 3 hours before the alarm goes off and husband wants to talk. And if I don't talk, I'm the bad guy because he is never ever ever home and I never ever ever get to talk to him and he just wants some damn attention every once in a while. He wants attention. I want sleep.
I am one person. With two arms and two legs... so how is it I'm being stretched in fourteen different directions? This is what happens to people before they end up on the show "Snapped."
OK... rant over. I put in our housing application for Fort Campbell. The sgt, who is trying to get Billy early report date worked out, sent him a message four days ago that she would call him with info and never did. At this point, I just want to be there before Christmas. That's four months away.
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