I've heard that when you feel a distance between yourself and God it is because you've pulled away, not because God has left you. It's very easy to become comfortable in your daily life, that you start to forget or possibly take for granted the power God has on your every day tasks. I always "saw" God in everything I did. I would wash the dishes and have everyone clean and ready for bed just in time to catch up on some conversation with Billy or watch a television show - and I would give thanks for just that small thing. The clouds would clear just as I was preparing a road trip down the road and I would give thanks to God for just that small little thing. I would be struggling with something (or Billy would be struggling) and I'd go to the bible and find just the exact words to comfort me and I would give thanks for that small little thing. I've not felt that presence of God in my life lately. I look back and think how much we relied on him for every little detail (like praying over our mailbox while Billy was at basic training) during this "joining the Army" experience. We prayed for news, we prayed for a house, we prayed for friends... all these things have been answered. Maybe not right away, but they were answered when God knew it would be the right time for us. So when I pray for Billy to pass his PT test, I was hurt when God didn't bless us with that. So I guess I felt let down. I've been saying it all along... Why would God put us here just to see us fail? But we weren't failing because Billy wasn't doing his PT test ten seconds faster or his situps just a little better. We were failing because we let God get out of the picture. I've lost sight of how much I depended on God and his word. It's like we got here and I suppose we felt that it was OK to let our guard down since we got where we wanted. So when we got here, I somehow put God on the shelf. I stopped seeing him in everything like I used to. I didn't want God to see my broken self. I didn't want him to see the struggle I was dealing with in finding friends worthy or a church that was good enough. Plus, I mean, heck... we were here. Our prayers had been answered. Why bother praying for the next big thing? Why bother finding a church when it's not like the ones back home? Why bother opening the bible when it looks so pretty on the shelf with the other books? And here we are... back to worrying over being sent back home because of a ten second goof and 8 inches of a situp. Does God want us to stay? Does He want us to go home? What is His will for us? How do I pray for it? I have no idea what is going to happen. I know that Billy is scared to death of not passing this next test. We don't know when it is going to be, but I fear sooner than we know. I just wish I could feel confident in the outcome, no matter what it is. I do know that I will love Billy and support him no matter what happens. I just can't help feel anxious for the unknown.
"It's in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for. Long before we first heard of Christ and got our hopes up, he had his eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of the overall purpose he is working out in everything and everyone." Ephesians 1: 11-12
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